When your principles in life are noble and your goals align with these principles, you will respect yourself in proportion to the greatness of the principles you believe in. And the more your actions match these principles, the more your self-respect grows and the higher your self-esteem becomes. When a person speaks about believing in noble principles yet acts in the opposite way, he loses his self-respect to the same degree as the gap between his principles and his behavior. Some people may think it is clever to deceive others by wearing a mask that makes them appear to hold great principles, when in reality they are deceiving no one as much as they are deceiving themselves. They do not realize that they are igniting a voice of self-contempt deep within, a voice that corrupts their positive feelings toward themselves at every moment, leaving them without self-respect and without any sense of their true worth. For this reason, the people who despise themselves the most are the hypocrites and the narcissists who live in continuous deception, while Satan adorns this deception for them and leads them to believe they are the cleverest of all, when in truth they are only the most contemptible before themselves and before those who see through them. To respect yourself and value yourself means to be genuine, not false. It means your words align with your actions. And if you slip, and your actions contradict your words and principles, then nothing will restore you except repentance, which brings you back to your true self, closes the gap that has formed within you, and returns you to honesty with yourself in the most beautiful way. O Allah, return us to You in a beautiful return.

Should a person thank himself? And for what should he thank himself? Does thanking oneself lead to conceit? And what if a person does not thank himself? Will it affect his sense of self-worth? What is the effect of a person's sense of self-worth on his psychological state and behavior? These were questions I received from trainees in the Diploma of the Nurturer of the Creative Moral Character, which began a week ago. We were discussing the importance of stirring positive emotions to release happiness hormones that lead to brain flourishing and the achievement of happiness and Well-being, in accordance with positive psychology. Gratitude releases important positive hormones that support Emotional Stability and brain flourishing, including serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine, whether this gratitude is directed toward Allah, toward others, or toward oneself. Gratitude spreads within a person a sense of appreciation, contentment, and happiness. For this reason, the Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, encouraged gratitude and said: Whoever does not thank people has not thanked Allah. Narrated by al-Tirmidhi. We are among the people. So should we thank ourselves? And how can we do so without falling into conceit? Thanking oneself is part of thanking Allah. When we become aware of the small actions we have done throughout our day, we become aware of Allah's blessings upon us. Without His enabling grace, we would not have moved from our places, nor initiated anything, nor accomplished any action. This gratitude helps us appreciate ourselves and feel the value of what we do, while thanking Allah at the same time and attributing all success to Him. We may call this: thanking the self on the doorstep of servitude to Allah, for success is only by Allah. Moreover, if a person does not thank and appreciate himself from within, no amount of external appreciation will ever compensate, because Self-esteem comes from within, not from outside. Therefore, we should thank ourselves for what we do and connect this gratitude with a second gratitude, which is thanking Allah for His enabling grace. And here the question arises: How can we thank ourselves? Imagine with me. At the end of your day, before you close the curtain on this day, let your mind pass through the scenes of your day and remember: What are the things you did today that affected you and those around you? What positive and kind actions did you carry out today? Move through these scenes while remembering, thanking yourself, and encouraging yourself, and thank Allah that He helped you. Say to yourself, for example: Praise be to Allah that I woke up in the morning, got ready and took care of myself, worked and made effort, prayed, remembered Allah, completed household tasks, connected with my parents, checked on a friend, ate healthy food, exercised, rested, did something I enjoyed that renewed my energy, listened to a video from which I learned something beneficial, read, gave in charity, helped someone, said a kind word thanking another person, prevented harm from reaching myself or others, forgave, showed mercy, showed tenderness, smiled at someone. Imagine that all of this is goodness toward yourself and toward others. Goodness that deserves self-gratitude and gratitude to Allah. When we pay attention to the details of our day and thank ourselves for this goodness, we spread positivity within ourselves and encourage ourselves to do more. Encouragement releases initiative and effectiveness, and thanking Allah reminds us that He has blessed us by enabling us to do this good, even if it was small, even if it was only a smile. Do not underestimate a smile that leaves you and reaches someone before you, bringing them happiness and bringing yourself happiness along with them, in a moment when you chose to smile. As the Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, said: Do not belittle any act of kindness, even if it is meeting your brother with a cheerful face. Narrated by Muslim. This simple smile deserves gratitude to oneself and gratitude to Allah for enabling us to smile. Some people believe they must first accomplish something great, such as memorizing the Holy Quran, earning a doctorate, or becoming wealthy, before they can thank themselves. The truth is that memorizing the Quran does not come in a single step. It is the result of many daily steps, each of which deserves self-gratitude to encourage more good actions, and gratitude to Allah for His enabling grace. The same applies to any action, whether large or small. There is no such thing as a small action. Every good action done sincerely for Allah is a great action, even if it is a smile. Self-gratitude and self-encouragement lead to a genuine sense of Self-esteem and freedom from dependence on external approval. This is important for Emotional Stability and equally important for sincerity in action and for giving without waiting for a return, whether material or moral. Giving freely from a place of inner sufficiency is the spirit of work and one of the secrets of inner strength. May Allah grant us and you the ability to thank Him in all our stillness and movement, and may He write us among the thankful. Try this with me: sit with yourself at the end of the day, even as you rest on your pillow, and thank yourself and thank Allah for the positive actions you carried out during the day. Pay attention to your inner feelings and to the blessing that fills your days. Then tell me: by how much did your sense of contentment and happiness rise?

It is common in our traditional parenting practices, unfortunately, that we expect our children to perform tasks that require building a skill and forming a habit, such as organizing their room or studying, simply by giving orders or resorting to rewards and punishments. This happens without any awareness of what a skill actually needs in order to form in the brain. For example, to train a child in the skill of organizing his room, we need to explain the steps and details of the task, then encourage him to carry it out under our supervision, making sure the tasks are age-appropriate. After that, we move to the stage of having him do it independently, with gentle reminders if he forgets, and without blame, so that we help the skill form in the brain and deepen its pathways until it becomes a habit. Many parents are unaware of how habits and skills are formed in the brain. They want their child to leap in a single jump from the stage of first learning about a task to the stage of consistent commitment, sometimes within a single day. This is impossible, because weak skill pathways in the brain make a person unaware of performing them and cause him to forget easily whenever something more enjoyable or more important to him comes to mind. Parents then turn to rewards and punishment and to negative discipline methods to bridge the wide gap between first knowledge and genuine skill. The child becomes discouraged, and the struggle, resistance, and misbehavior begin. What Is the Solution? Let us take the skill of studying as an example. One: Explain the steps of the task at the beginning and supervise your child afterward to ensure he has understood all parts and details. For example, explain to your child how to study and sit with him to make sure he is sitting, focusing, and following the steps correctly so he can acquire the skill of studying. You may eventually sit nearby once you see the skill developing, but in the beginning he needs your presence beside him to get used to sitting and focusing, which is genuinely difficult for a child at first. Two: Prepare the place and time for practicing the habit. This helps the brain master it until it becomes second nature. Set a clear rule, such as study time begins at four o'clock. Prepare a comfortable, appropriate, and distraction-free space, and sit with him there to bring comfort, warmth, and tranquility. Three: Remind with love. Remind your child with love and without tension if he is late starting his studying or becomes occupied with something else. Use brief words in a firm tone that neither frightens nor blames, such as: "Studying is a priority." How Much Time Will This Take? It depends on several factors and there is no fixed answer. Your child may acquire the skill within a month, or he may need your follow-up and encouragement for years. This is not a matter of intelligence but of the type of intelligence. A child with high bodily-kinesthetic or social intelligence will naturally need more time than a child with high introspective intelligence, who tends to enjoy sitting and focusing more. Remember that no one is smarter than another. Our differences are wisdom and beauty from Allah the All-Knowing and All-Wise, so that this world may flourish and each person may be guided toward what he was created for. The strength of your relationship with your child and his love for you also make it easier for him to build the positive habits you invite him toward. A strained relationship, on the other hand, causes children to resist both the parent and the virtuous actions he calls them toward, as a form of retaliation for poor treatment. When you follow up with your child and encourage him to build positive habits, you are laying within him the habits of excellence and success that he will need throughout his life. But when you scold, blame, or punish your child while unaware of how difficult it is for a habit to form in the brain, you raise a discouraged person who lacks Self-confidence, sees himself as unable to meet your expectations, loses the desire for growth and self-development, and feels helpless. Your treatment of your child, your patience with him, and your encouragement shape the features of his character and ignite his inner motivation to move forward. So be mindful of your reaction, and be gentle. The Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, said: "Gentleness is not found in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it disgraces it." Narrated by Muslim.

Losing Well-being means losing happiness and balance, feeling intense jealousy toward the success of others, experiencing rapid discouragement, being unable to build a peaceful marital relationship, being unable to form warm social relationships, struggling continuously at work, and suffering from depression, which is a psychological illness that grows more prevalent day after day. There is no doubt that families play the primary role in raising individuals who do or do not possess Well-being and Emotional Stability. And this unbalanced child may be the top of his class, or he may be at the bottom. A school grade is not a measure of Well-being, as some people believe. So what is the most widespread cause found in families that strive for distinguished parenting, who believe they are doing something good for their children, while this very method leads to the loss of Well-being and exposes children to real suffering in the future, with most parents completely unaware of the mistake? What Is This Harmful Method? In this article I will discuss an approach that many fathers and mothers follow, believing it will lead to distinguished parenting, while in reality it destroys their children's Well-being and Self-esteem. It is the approach of trying to improve behavior through exaggerated praise and harsh negative criticism for mistakes. Exposing a child to harsh negative criticism when he makes a mistake, whether through direct words or a cutting look, and praising him excessively when he performs a desirable behavior, believing this will shape him into what we want, is one of the primary reasons our children lose their balance and Well-being, as studies indicate. It may even lead to personality disorders that do not appear until after the age of eighteen. Unfortunately, this approach of harsh criticism and exaggerated praise is widespread in many families. It makes a person captive to the approval of others, intensely sensitive to the success of those around him, and quickly discouraged when he makes a mistake. What Is the Alternative? First: Separate the behavior from the person. Do not say "You are selfish." Say instead "This behavior shows selfishness." Second: Praise the effort and intention, not only the outcome. If he made a sincere effort but did not succeed, say "I liked your attempt and how seriously you approached it." Third: Teach him how to evaluate his own behavior rather than waiting for your constant approval. For example, ask him "What do you think of what you did?" With this approach, we build within him a living conscience capable of self-evaluation. We free him from unhealthy dependence on the approval of others, and we make his Self-confidence come from within, not from applause or humiliation. Well-being is not built with words. It is built through the daily way we treat our children.

“Prove yourself” is a phrase that spreads widely in our communities. The intention behind it is to encourage a person to put in effort and show that he is capable and distinguished. Let us explore this phrase a little to see whether it gives us strength or weakness, and whether we should benefit from it or reject it. A person shines and becomes creative when his motivation for work comes from within. Only then can he overcome the obstacles and discouragement that everyone inevitably faces in their work and in their life. How do we know if our motivation is internal or external? Internal motivation is the inner desire of a person to carry out work because he believes in it, loves it, and wants to improve through it. He wants to perform it in the best way to reach personal fulfillment. This is the internal motivation of the ordinary person. As for the believer, he adds to that the desire to seek the pleasure of his Lord and to find this work recorded in his scale of good deeds on the Day of Judgment. External motivation is the desire to perform work driven by external rewards. This desire grows with material rewards or people’s approval and decreases when these rewards or approval fade. External motivation is temporary and depends on how often the external incentive appears. It disappears when the incentive stops. What happens when you work to prove yourself? A person who adopts this idea believes that gaining praise, approval, trust, and status depends on what he does now and what he says about himself. This belief is mistaken. A person may gain some approval when he does something good at the moment, but this does not prove that he is truly worthy of trust or status. To deserve trust, a person must pass through a period of time in which he demonstrates patience in work, flexibility, positivity in difficult situations, the ability to overcome discouragement, acceptance of constructive criticism, and dedication in his work regardless of external rewards. This does not happen overnight. It requires time for these psychological skills to appear, the skills that lead to creative and excellent work and that lead to deserving trust. The person who possesses these skills does not work to gain trust but works sincerely. He is happy with the contentment of his supervisors because he feels that he fulfilled the trust. The mindset of “prove yourself”: When you work to prove yourself, you will not tolerate the criticism or guidance of your supervisors, because you will think it means you are not competent. Yet competence grows and declines; it is not a fixed standard. Refusing criticism keeps us limited and prevents us from growing and flourishing. But when you work to please Allah and you are sincere in your work, you will accept criticism with positivity and work on developing yourself. Then you move forward, fulfilling the trust and becoming deserving of confidence. When you work to prove yourself, you will hide your mistakes, justify them, and avoid admitting them. This makes you smaller in the eyes of others and in the eyes of your supervisors. But when you work sincerely for Allah, feeling the responsibility of trust, you will make sure to learn from your mistakes and correct them because Allah sees your work. When you work to prove yourself, you will be afraid when difficulties arise, because you want to show excellence and perfection. No one must discover a weakness in you. Fear prevents focus and prevents creative solutions, causing you to fail in facing difficulties and discouragement. You will then resort to excuses or blaming others, and your work will decline. When you work to prove yourself, you will feel jealous when others excel. You will think they are better than you, meaning they proved themselves and deprived you of the opportunity. This fills your thoughts with worry about them and fills your emotions with bitterness and frustration. Your insight dims, your inner self becomes clouded, and you lose the deep focus on your own work. Negative emotions extinguish clarity and concentration, causing you to fall behind while others move forward. “O human being, you are striving toward your Lord with great effort, and you will meet Him.” The mindset of “prove yourself” creates people with a fixed mindset. This mindset believes that intelligence, talent, and abilities are fixed since birth and do not change. Its standard of success is people’s praise. Its motivation is external, tied to material rewards and people’s approval. Sincerity in work, however, creates people with a growth mindset. This mindset believes that intelligence, talent, and abilities grow through effort, practice, and asking others for help. Its standard of success is learning and growth. Its motivation is internal, tied to the enjoyment of learning, personal development, and creativity. The trend of “prove yourself” produces individuals with weak sincerity, little patience, and fragile inner structure. They are always looking for excuses, blaming circumstances and others. Meanwhile, others advance far ahead while they remain limited and will continue to be limited. They will never truly prove themselves as long as they hold this mindset.

Spontaneity is the absence of pretension and artificiality that come from wanting to gain people’s approval. Spontaneity means that I behave naturally, accepting myself and accepting others as well. Spontaneity comes from appreciating the value of our uniqueness and recognizing that we do not need to become copies of others in order to feel belonging. Spontaneity is positivity, flow, and freedom from the fear of rejection or criticism, and freedom from the constant focus on how people see us. Spontaneity is when my outward appearance matches my inner self. Spontaneity means having a heart open to love, embracing life with a spirit of acceptance and contentment. Spontaneity is having the heart of a child and the mind of an adult. Spontaneity is comfort for the heart. We feel happy with people around whom we can be ourselves and act naturally, and the opposite is also true. Spontaneity means being at peace with oneself and behaving without the constraints of tension, but within the boundaries of wisdom and seeking the pleasure of Allah. Spontaneity does not mean losing wisdom when speaking or acting, nor losing courtesy or respect. When I speak spontaneously, I remain aware of the wisdom behind my words: Is what I am saying beneficial? Is it comfortable for the person listening to me? Am I seeking the pleasure of Allah through it? People feel comfortable with spontaneity and sense it deeply, and they are repelled by pretension and can sense it, even if they do not express it. Spontaneity is an attractive quality in a woman, contrary to what some women believe, causing them to pretend and exhaust themselves with no benefit. Spontaneity is one of the secrets of influence and one of the secrets of a successful marital relationship. Spontaneity draws a child toward a woman and helps in raising a child with a confident character. The more self-esteem declines, the more a person becomes pretentious, strained, and perhaps even dishonest. And the more a person’s self-esteem rises, the more spontaneous and natural he becomes, because he loves himself and does not wait for others to love him through their approval or opinions. A negative environment kills spontaneity, while spontaneity grows in a positive environment filled with appreciation and goodwill.

To build our self-confidence, we must free ourselves from the unconscious mindset of comparison and from seeking people’s approval. Self-confidence is not built from the outside. It grows from within, through self-knowledge and unconditional self-acceptance, with all strengths and weaknesses, and through the desire to improve without waiting for any external emotional or material reward. In the first article, we explored the causes that lead to low self-confidence. In this article, we look at the steps to healing: Free yourself from comparing yourself with others, and focus on your true value so you can grow and flourish. First: Your value is high because Allah has honored and chosen you, regardless of the negative messages you may have heard. You are among the most honored beings Allah created, and among the most beautiful and noble. The angels prostrated in honor of your father Adam, and in honor of you who came from him. You were created with this honor so you may fulfill the purpose of your existence, which is to be a khalifah on earth. Your value is elevated by this Divine selection. To preserve this honor, you must walk toward the purpose for which you were created: worship and contributing goodness to the world. What you are required to do is always within your capacity and abilities, so you may please Allah and thank Him for His blessings. You are not required to achieve what is beyond your human ability. Free yourself from comparing yourself with others, and focus on your true value so you can grow and flourish. Second: The mindset of comparison is a network of mental patterns that grew stronger with repetition until it became a fixed way of thinking. Healing requires the creation of a new mental network that replaces the old one through specific exercises. This takes time, yet it is the solution. You will feel increasing comfort, strength, and self-confidence as these new pathways deepen in your mind. Be patient and persistent. Third: You must accept that you experience negative emotions toward yourself or others when they arise. Allow these emotions to surface clearly before your eyes. Seek forgiveness and show compassion toward yourself so you can move away from self-blame toward solution-building. This develops your self-awareness and helps you notice when you feel weak, and when and how you fall into negative comparison, so you can address the problem. Fourth: If comparison is part of your environment, it will weaken your attempts to grow. Speak kindly with those who use this approach with you, explain its harm, and ask them to stop. When they forget and repeat it, use a gentle hand gesture and a smile to remind them, then step away. Continually remind yourself that their behavior is wrong and does not reflect your true value. Try to avoid competitive or negative people because they pull you away from your positive focus on yourself. Fifth: Free yourself from the illusion of finding your worth through people’s eyes. People’s approval is something that can never be fully attained. No one is perfect. Human beings were created weak, full of flaws, moving through life only by the generosity, help, and protection of Allah. They shift between blessings and trials. The mindset of comparison contradicts Allah’s wisdom and perfect justice in His distribution of gifts. Allah created us with different strengths and levels of intelligence, wealth, abilities, beauty, families, and interests so we may complement one another, practice gratitude, develop patience, and reach His pleasure. Allah, the All-Just, gave everything with fairness, but in diverse proportions as a test. Wisdom lies in focusing on what Allah gave you and using it to move forward, without wasting energy noticing the blessings of others with pain or resentment. To grow positively, establish this mental principle within yourself: Focus on your abilities. Be grateful. Do not compare. Sixth: When you catch your mind comparing negatively, shift your thinking immediately and pray sincerely for the person you compared yourself to, asking Allah to bless them and make them beneficial to this Ummah. This is essential for building a positive mental association and interrupting the unconscious comparison pattern. Remember that the angels will pray for you in return. The more you pray for others, the more you free yourself from comparison. Prayer is a powerful healing method; keep it among your priorities. Seventh: When you find yourself comparing, ask yourself: Is there something positive I can learn? Is there an area in which I would like to grow? Ask yourself these questions with positive feelings toward yourself and toward the person you are learning from. Negative emotions suppress learning and block wisdom. Every human being is unique with their abilities, emotions, and circumstances. What suits others may not suit you. Not every admirable trait is something you truly need. Free your interests from the pain of wishing and from unconscious imitation. Eighth: Healing the comparison mindset requires positive focus on yourself and your goals. Begin by truly discovering yourself, something you may have missed due to the lack of psychological freedom in our upbringing and the widespread use of conditional acceptance. We do not blame our parents; they believed these methods were the best ways to help us grow. They did not know the psychological effects of such approaches. This was the best they had. Now is the time to walk a healing path, address what those years caused, and release their impact from your inner world.