Life is a vast experience for learning. Its purpose is not for you to be perfect, but for you to learn from past mistakes so you do not repeat them. Do not hurt yourself because you made a mistake. You are human. You were not created to be perfect or angelic. You were created to learn. Shift your thinking from painful negativity to constructive positivity by reminding yourself: I have learned, and I will make sure not to repeat this mistake. I am human. I will grow and become stronger because I have learned. Life is full of experiences. And whenever your thoughts pull you back to the point of pain from the mistake, bring them back to this reminder: I am human, and I have learned and grown through my experiences, and I have become stronger. This helps your brain focus on what you want, not on what your thoughts want to drag you toward. If there is anything that requires repentance, then repent to Allah, and you will feel your servitude to Him and rise above your mistakes. Remember the saying of the Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him: "If you did not sin, Allah would replace you with people who would sin, then seek His forgiveness, and He would forgive them." Narrated by Muslim. It is natural to make mistakes because you are human. But if you do not accept that you are a human who errs, and you deny the mistake, or blame others, or allow the pain of being wrong to control you, you will neither learn nor grow. You will remain in a dark box. Free yourself.

A widespread and deeply rooted false belief in our societies prevents us from succeeding in raising our children and enjoying our relationship with them. It also stunts their emotional and cognitive growth. This belief is the way we deal with mistakes. For example, when I as a mother or father receive a note from school saying that my child forgets to do his homework, what is the typical reaction to this mistake? Disappointment? Scolding? Threats? Lecturing? What will the child learn from this? To hide his mistake? To hate himself? To feel discouraged or inferior? We can turn our children's mistakes into opportunities to teach them thinking skills, develop their intelligence, and build their self-confidence by teaching the skill of problem solving instead of resorting to scolding and discouragement. First Step Ask your child with confidence, good faith, and without intimidation: Why do you forget to do your homework? Think about what reasons make you forget. Then listen to him with respect and give him the chance to think and analyze the reasons, developing his thinking skills in the process. Accept that it is natural for a person to make mistakes, so he learns to reflect on himself and take responsibility for his mistake instead of hiding it or denying it, as many people in our societies do today. Second Step After listening to him, ask him to suggest solutions to the problem he is experiencing and to choose the ones that can actually be applied: What can you do to solve the problem of forgetting your homework? Third Step Follow up with him as he works on solving the problem and encourage his progress. Ask him: How are things going? How much progress have you made in solving the problem? Accept that he cannot suddenly complete all of his homework at once. Encourage any progress he makes, even if it means completing just one assignment in a week, while continuing to encourage him to come up with solutions, discuss causes and options with him, and help him reach a point where he remembers to complete his homework consistently. When we accept that partial progress leads to greater progress, and when we encourage effort rather than reserving appreciation only for the final result, our child will be motivated to keep moving forward and will not fear failure. He will then develop a Growth Mindset that embraces challenges and finds joy in achieving small daily successes, driving him to achieve more and more in life. Offering appreciation only when our child reaches the final result gives him an all-or-nothing mindset. This is one of the common Cognitive Distortions that leads to negativity, narrow thinking, and fear of taking initiative. In his mind, he is either successful or a failure, either completing all his homework or failing completely. How much do our children need to feel held and supported when they make mistakes, instead of having us stand against them and discourage them in the face of a difficult world that awaits them? How much do they need their skills to be nurtured instead of frozen through fear, discouragement, and blame? How much do they need encouragement to face challenges and grow through them, so they feel confident and take pleasure in growing, instead of feeling weak and inferior? And then we wonder why they do not take responsibility and why they are so negative.

Should a person thank himself? And for what should he thank himself? Does thanking oneself lead to conceit? And what if a person does not thank himself? Will it affect his sense of self-worth? What is the effect of a person's sense of self-worth on his psychological state and behavior? These were questions I received from trainees in the Diploma of the Nurturer of the Creative Moral Character, which began a week ago. We were discussing the importance of stirring positive emotions to release happiness hormones that lead to brain flourishing and the achievement of happiness and Well-being, in accordance with positive psychology. Gratitude releases important positive hormones that support Emotional Stability and brain flourishing, including serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine, whether this gratitude is directed toward Allah, toward others, or toward oneself. Gratitude spreads within a person a sense of appreciation, contentment, and happiness. For this reason, the Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, encouraged gratitude and said: Whoever does not thank people has not thanked Allah. Narrated by al-Tirmidhi. We are among the people. So should we thank ourselves? And how can we do so without falling into conceit? Thanking oneself is part of thanking Allah. When we become aware of the small actions we have done throughout our day, we become aware of Allah's blessings upon us. Without His enabling grace, we would not have moved from our places, nor initiated anything, nor accomplished any action. This gratitude helps us appreciate ourselves and feel the value of what we do, while thanking Allah at the same time and attributing all success to Him. We may call this: thanking the self on the doorstep of servitude to Allah, for success is only by Allah. Moreover, if a person does not thank and appreciate himself from within, no amount of external appreciation will ever compensate, because Self-esteem comes from within, not from outside. Therefore, we should thank ourselves for what we do and connect this gratitude with a second gratitude, which is thanking Allah for His enabling grace. And here the question arises: How can we thank ourselves? Imagine with me. At the end of your day, before you close the curtain on this day, let your mind pass through the scenes of your day and remember: What are the things you did today that affected you and those around you? What positive and kind actions did you carry out today? Move through these scenes while remembering, thanking yourself, and encouraging yourself, and thank Allah that He helped you. Say to yourself, for example: Praise be to Allah that I woke up in the morning, got ready and took care of myself, worked and made effort, prayed, remembered Allah, completed household tasks, connected with my parents, checked on a friend, ate healthy food, exercised, rested, did something I enjoyed that renewed my energy, listened to a video from which I learned something beneficial, read, gave in charity, helped someone, said a kind word thanking another person, prevented harm from reaching myself or others, forgave, showed mercy, showed tenderness, smiled at someone. Imagine that all of this is goodness toward yourself and toward others. Goodness that deserves self-gratitude and gratitude to Allah. When we pay attention to the details of our day and thank ourselves for this goodness, we spread positivity within ourselves and encourage ourselves to do more. Encouragement releases initiative and effectiveness, and thanking Allah reminds us that He has blessed us by enabling us to do this good, even if it was small, even if it was only a smile. Do not underestimate a smile that leaves you and reaches someone before you, bringing them happiness and bringing yourself happiness along with them, in a moment when you chose to smile. As the Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, said: Do not belittle any act of kindness, even if it is meeting your brother with a cheerful face. Narrated by Muslim. This simple smile deserves gratitude to oneself and gratitude to Allah for enabling us to smile. Some people believe they must first accomplish something great, such as memorizing the Holy Quran, earning a doctorate, or becoming wealthy, before they can thank themselves. The truth is that memorizing the Quran does not come in a single step. It is the result of many daily steps, each of which deserves self-gratitude to encourage more good actions, and gratitude to Allah for His enabling grace. The same applies to any action, whether large or small. There is no such thing as a small action. Every good action done sincerely for Allah is a great action, even if it is a smile. Self-gratitude and self-encouragement lead to a genuine sense of Self-esteem and freedom from dependence on external approval. This is important for Emotional Stability and equally important for sincerity in action and for giving without waiting for a return, whether material or moral. Giving freely from a place of inner sufficiency is the spirit of work and one of the secrets of inner strength. May Allah grant us and you the ability to thank Him in all our stillness and movement, and may He write us among the thankful. Try this with me: sit with yourself at the end of the day, even as you rest on your pillow, and thank yourself and thank Allah for the positive actions you carried out during the day. Pay attention to your inner feelings and to the blessing that fills your days. Then tell me: by how much did your sense of contentment and happiness rise?

It is common in our traditional parenting practices, unfortunately, that we expect our children to perform tasks that require building a skill and forming a habit, such as organizing their room or studying, simply by giving orders or resorting to rewards and punishments. This happens without any awareness of what a skill actually needs in order to form in the brain. For example, to train a child in the skill of organizing his room, we need to explain the steps and details of the task, then encourage him to carry it out under our supervision, making sure the tasks are age-appropriate. After that, we move to the stage of having him do it independently, with gentle reminders if he forgets, and without blame, so that we help the skill form in the brain and deepen its pathways until it becomes a habit. Many parents are unaware of how habits and skills are formed in the brain. They want their child to leap in a single jump from the stage of first learning about a task to the stage of consistent commitment, sometimes within a single day. This is impossible, because weak skill pathways in the brain make a person unaware of performing them and cause him to forget easily whenever something more enjoyable or more important to him comes to mind. Parents then turn to rewards and punishment and to negative discipline methods to bridge the wide gap between first knowledge and genuine skill. The child becomes discouraged, and the struggle, resistance, and misbehavior begin. What Is the Solution? Let us take the skill of studying as an example. One: Explain the steps of the task at the beginning and supervise your child afterward to ensure he has understood all parts and details. For example, explain to your child how to study and sit with him to make sure he is sitting, focusing, and following the steps correctly so he can acquire the skill of studying. You may eventually sit nearby once you see the skill developing, but in the beginning he needs your presence beside him to get used to sitting and focusing, which is genuinely difficult for a child at first. Two: Prepare the place and time for practicing the habit. This helps the brain master it until it becomes second nature. Set a clear rule, such as study time begins at four o'clock. Prepare a comfortable, appropriate, and distraction-free space, and sit with him there to bring comfort, warmth, and tranquility. Three: Remind with love. Remind your child with love and without tension if he is late starting his studying or becomes occupied with something else. Use brief words in a firm tone that neither frightens nor blames, such as: "Studying is a priority." How Much Time Will This Take? It depends on several factors and there is no fixed answer. Your child may acquire the skill within a month, or he may need your follow-up and encouragement for years. This is not a matter of intelligence but of the type of intelligence. A child with high bodily-kinesthetic or social intelligence will naturally need more time than a child with high introspective intelligence, who tends to enjoy sitting and focusing more. Remember that no one is smarter than another. Our differences are wisdom and beauty from Allah the All-Knowing and All-Wise, so that this world may flourish and each person may be guided toward what he was created for. The strength of your relationship with your child and his love for you also make it easier for him to build the positive habits you invite him toward. A strained relationship, on the other hand, causes children to resist both the parent and the virtuous actions he calls them toward, as a form of retaliation for poor treatment. When you follow up with your child and encourage him to build positive habits, you are laying within him the habits of excellence and success that he will need throughout his life. But when you scold, blame, or punish your child while unaware of how difficult it is for a habit to form in the brain, you raise a discouraged person who lacks Self-confidence, sees himself as unable to meet your expectations, loses the desire for growth and self-development, and feels helpless. Your treatment of your child, your patience with him, and your encouragement shape the features of his character and ignite his inner motivation to move forward. So be mindful of your reaction, and be gentle. The Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, said: "Gentleness is not found in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it disgraces it." Narrated by Muslim.

In recent years, the concept of spiritual intelligence has spread globally. It is a sensitive concept due to its connection with creed and the purpose of human existence. For this reason, every nation needs to develop its own definition that aligns with its philosophy and spiritual values, while sharing many universal principles that relate to human nobility and the elevation of the soul and character. What is spiritual intelligence? Stephen Covey mentions in his book The Eighth Habit that spiritual intelligence is the center and foundation of all other forms of intelligence because it becomes the guiding source for the others. Covey defines spiritual intelligence as the search for meaning and connection with the Eternal, meaning connection with something greater and more magnificent than ourselves and our lifespans. Marsha Sinetar, in her book on spiritual intelligence in children, links spiritual intelligence with the development of innate disposition. She defines spiritual intelligence as the intelligence of fitrah. Kristján notes that what distinguishes individuals with high spiritual intelligence is awareness of others, the ability to question and feel reverence, sensitivity to what is spiritual, wisdom, foresight, and a deep sense of the presence of Allah and responsiveness to reminders of Him. Dana Zohar defines spiritual intelligence as the essential foundation for activating the functions of both rational intelligence and emotional intelligence. She describes it as our ultimate human intelligence. What are the dimensions of spiritual intelligence? Emmons defines spiritual intelligence through five dimensions: • The ability to transcend and elevate the self • The ability to build spiritually meaningful relationships free from personal interests • The ability to enter high states of spiritual awareness • The ability to use spiritual resources when facing daily problems • The ability to act with virtue, such as forgiveness, gratitude, humility, compassion, and wisdom Is spiritual intelligence innate or acquired? Spiritual intelligence consists of several abilities. These abilities are both innate and acquired. Spiritual intelligence is the intelligence of fitrah. A human being is born upon fitrah, but his parents either help him rise spiritually and morally or cause him to fall. After that, a person continues his path in life, making decisions that either elevate him or lower him. Do people differ in their spiritual intelligence at birth? Yes, people differ in this. Even within the same household, one child may show strong indicators of high spiritual intelligence from a young age, while it may not appear in the same way in his sibling. Defining spiritual intelligence in the light of Islamic creed Spiritual intelligence is connected to the purpose of human existence. These purposes differ according to belief systems, and thus the definition of spiritual intelligence is influenced by the goals a person believes in. The more sound the creed, the more it offers its followers a real opportunity for complete spiritual elevation. Therefore, believing in a correct creed and following it with sincerity leads to the highest development of spiritual intelligence. What is the relationship between spiritual intelligence and sound creed? A sound creed is the fitrah creed. It is the belief in one God, the Creator and Sustainer of this universe, without any partner. All matters return to Him alone.

There is something inside us that drives us to strive and move. Powerful forces push us to act, in our mornings and in our evenings, as if we are searching for something we long for. There is something deep within us that we need. Yes, we move throughout our day for many reasons. We may be striving for success. We may want to feel strong. We may long for distinction. We may desire to appear beautiful and perfect in the eyes of those around us. But have we ever asked ourselves about the true nature of our motives? What lies behind our actions? Do we desire these things for their own sake? Or are they a means to fulfill deeper needs hidden within us, inside us, in the depth of our depths? I asked myself again and again. Then I searched and examined. I felt that we desire something else. Something beyond success, distinction, and beauty. Something that these achievements bring to us. I saw that much of our striving comes from wanting to feel accepted. We act because we thirst for appreciation. We excel because we desire love. We want to feel loved, and we want to give love in return. For our souls cannot rest except through love. They are thirsty for love, and nothing quenches them except love. Ah, I feel the heart of every human being longing for love, calling out: “Where are you, O love? Where can I find you? I need you, and I see no happiness without you. Comfort me, O love. Tell me where I can find you, for I am tired of running and searching and striving for your sake.” How often I see in people’s eyes the thirst of their hearts for you, O love. How deeply I feel their need for peace and happiness. I now hear a gentle whisper, a tender call, murmured by the heart of a human being speaking to love: “I searched for you, O love, among people. And whenever I thought I had reached you or felt a trace of you, you would disappear. All I found was an illusion. Tell me, O love. I am exhausted. I am close to losing hope that I will ever find you.” Love heard the heart’s call and answered: “You want me so your heart can beat? Your soul longs for me to live? Yes, for I am the essence of happiness and the purpose of existence. Whoever finds me has arrived, and whoever loses me becomes constricted and loses his life and effort.” Love continued: “You search for me among people? Perhaps one day you will find me there. But you will never find my true essence. What you will find is only a faint glow of me, shining at times and fading at others. People love you for themselves, not for you. They may hurt you while you try to do good for them. They may deprive you or withhold from you. They may misunderstand you and cause you sorrow. And in those moments my glow fades.” “Well then, tell me, O love. Where do I find you? Tell me and bring me peace,” the heart asked with longing. Love answered: “You want to enjoy me through a human being? Yes, if that relationship is lawful you will find a form of me, otherwise your heart will burn after the initial warmth. You will find me through lawful love, yet even then I will shine at times and dim at others. Human beings make mistakes. Weakness touches them. They cannot bring benefit to themselves nor repel harm from themselves, so how can they bring it to you or repel it from you? You may not find them with you one day. You may not find them for you every day. For they are human, and weakness is woven into their nature.” “Then where do I find you, O love? I am weary from seeking you,” the heart sighed. Love replied: “O heart, you will find me. Yes, you will find me. And you will find my true essence, not my fleeting shadows. You will find me when you taste true beauty. I will move within your depths when you behold perfection. I will shine between your ribs when you witness true goodness. But remember, I will not remain or settle within you unless you taste eternal beauty that never fades, perfection untouched by weakness or deficiency, and goodness that never ceases.” The heart said: “O love, I want you. I want you to come, to move, to shine within my depths. You are my life, my longing, my joy. Guide me to the path of your dwelling place. Guide me so I may find you and be happy.” O heart, contemplate. Love said: “O heart, have you reflected upon yourself? Have you contemplated your states? If you truly saw yourself, you would know your Lord, and love would flow through you. For love is closer to you than your own heartbeat!” I depend on Your power and Your care. “O heart, awaken. O heart, attach yourself to the One who created you and cares for you, in your days and in your nights. He strengthens you. He illuminates your path with understanding. By His provision you live and continue, and without Him you fade and vanish. Your life is through Him. Your return is to Him. O my Lord, how deeply I love You, the One by whom I live and in whose Hands all my affairs rest.” How delightful is Your goodness. “O heart, pay attention. O heart, reflect. With every sip of water that quenches your ribs, with every delicious bite that satisfies your hunger, with every recovery after illness, with every mercy after pain, see Allah’s giving enveloping you, and His love filling you. O my Lord, how I love You, You who feed me, give me drink, care for me, and heal me. Yes, I love You and I love You. Day and night I live in the sweetness of Your generosity and goodness.” My Lord, I sleep and then awaken, and I find Your mercy preceded my awareness. My soul returns flowing through my limbs, my consciousness is restored, and my emotions are renewed with hope. I breathe in the promise of goodness. I rise and strive through Your mercy, I move through my day through Your care, a human being honored by You beyond measure, my soul a breath from the Spirit of Allah. How tender is Your care. How Your generosity is renewed every day. I adore Your deep compassion. Sometimes I feel burden overwhelming my being, discouragement shaking my core. Then You send me, my Lord, a glad tiding that lifts my sorrow, or a gentle hand that wipes away my sadness, or even sleep that lightens my heaviness, and I awaken to find my worries diminished and small, replaced by a smile of hope glowing in my heart. How delicate is Your closeness. How great is Your care. I love You and I love Your comfort and Your profound tenderness. I make mistakes, and You are patient with me and forgive much. I persist, and You bring me back to You with a trial that purifies me from my wrongdoing and raises my rank and station. Life becomes burdensome, so I flee to You and call upon You. Then You take charge of my affairs, and You decree for me what is good. Wisdom and Mercy are woven into Your decrees. Glory be to You. How just is Your judgment. How great is Your help. How sweet is Your tenderness even in hardship. I shine with Your love when I see compassion and love in the hearts of those around me. I am full of flaws, yet You show people only my strengths and talents. How gentle is Your covering. How generous is Your giving. I love You for the magnificence of Your tenderness. I became attached to Your eternal beauty. My heart longs to taste beauty, to fill my senses and soul with its sweetness. My heart becomes attached to…

Spontaneity is the absence of pretension and artificiality that come from wanting to gain people’s approval. Spontaneity means that I behave naturally, accepting myself and accepting others as well. Spontaneity comes from appreciating the value of our uniqueness and recognizing that we do not need to become copies of others in order to feel belonging. Spontaneity is positivity, flow, and freedom from the fear of rejection or criticism, and freedom from the constant focus on how people see us. Spontaneity is when my outward appearance matches my inner self. Spontaneity means having a heart open to love, embracing life with a spirit of acceptance and contentment. Spontaneity is having the heart of a child and the mind of an adult. Spontaneity is comfort for the heart. We feel happy with people around whom we can be ourselves and act naturally, and the opposite is also true. Spontaneity means being at peace with oneself and behaving without the constraints of tension, but within the boundaries of wisdom and seeking the pleasure of Allah. Spontaneity does not mean losing wisdom when speaking or acting, nor losing courtesy or respect. When I speak spontaneously, I remain aware of the wisdom behind my words: Is what I am saying beneficial? Is it comfortable for the person listening to me? Am I seeking the pleasure of Allah through it? People feel comfortable with spontaneity and sense it deeply, and they are repelled by pretension and can sense it, even if they do not express it. Spontaneity is an attractive quality in a woman, contrary to what some women believe, causing them to pretend and exhaust themselves with no benefit. Spontaneity is one of the secrets of influence and one of the secrets of a successful marital relationship. Spontaneity draws a child toward a woman and helps in raising a child with a confident character. The more self-esteem declines, the more a person becomes pretentious, strained, and perhaps even dishonest. And the more a person’s self-esteem rises, the more spontaneous and natural he becomes, because he loves himself and does not wait for others to love him through their approval or opinions. A negative environment kills spontaneity, while spontaneity grows in a positive environment filled with appreciation and goodwill.

When one of our children takes initiative and expresses an opinion, or asks for permission to go somewhere, or enroll in a course, or buy something for a particular purpose, or wishes to have a pet, and we tell him “no” and make him feel guilty for asking, we close the windows of life before him. Dr. Daniel Siegel says in his book The Yes Brain: “The word ‘yes’ is more than just a word. It is an expression of our very being with our children and of the way we communicate. It is the gateway to positivity, optimism, curiosity, courage, flexibility, and personal growth for our children.” There are many positive actions and expressions that our children display which we must pay attention to and respond with “yes.” There is a wide space in the life of our son or daughter where we can agree with them without crushing their spirit. We can agree with them on many choices that cause them no harm when we say “yes,” including many permissible things, or even sometimes disliked things they lean toward or choose. If you are not convinced by their request, avoid saying “no” immediately. Engage them in gentle dialogue so they can express their needs and thoughts. If you want to refuse, refuse gently while conversing with them to convince them. Let your refusal be the exception among the many times they hear the word “yes” in their life with you. “Yes, I agree with you,” said with a smile, encourages them to discover the world and discover themselves, nurturing their growth and personal brilliance. Remember that oppression and suppression are the two main causes behind all negative behavior. Suppression teaches our son or daughter to rebel against us and lose the ability to distinguish between rebelling against what is wrong and rebelling against what is right, including rebelling against our religious, cultural, and moral system. Then we wonder why our son refuses to listen to us, or why our daughter does not want to wear the hijab, and why, and why. We should not say “no” simply because we heard it repeatedly from our own parents, or because we imagine that saying it gives us value in their eyes. Be mindful of your reaction, for the price of unawareness will be high. Follow along and share with us: How many times did you say “yes” today? And how many times did you say “no”? Toward a positive character. Written by A. Maha Shehadeh