Moments pass that test us… not by what we know, but by how we feel. When a sound is heard in the sky, a child does not wait for an explanation. He waits for a reassuring look. He does not ask "What is that?" but searches in his mother's eyes for safety. Each age has its own way of expressing itself, and every soul receives events differently. The little one seeks a warm embrace, a calm voice whispering "Allah is with us," a familiar toy, a story told with a loving tone. The older child begins to ask questions. He does not want every detail, but needs clarity filled with serenity. To say to him with confidence: "There are honorable men who stay awake to protect us. We are safe now, and Allah is closer to us than anything." As for the one whose mind has grown and whose awareness has matured, he does not seek an answer as much as he seeks respect for what he feels. He may fall silent, contemplate, or voice his questions with hesitation. What he needs is a heart that listens, a word that validates, and a conversation that opens a door to deeper understanding, not one that shuts his feelings away. In such moments, a mother is not required to erase the event or provide complete answers. She is called to be a mirror of tranquility. Anxiety is understandable and fear is natural, yet serenity is contagious, just as disturbance is. And what a mother's face conveys settles in the child's heart before any word is spoken. Protecting our children does not only mean distancing them from frightening sounds. It means bringing them closer to Allah, to themselves, to our love, and to words that warm the soul and plant trust within them. It means teaching them that life is filled with varied moments, and that whenever our hearts cling to The Most Merciful, they find peace. In every difficult moment there is an opportunity to affirm a value, strengthen a relationship, and build a lasting inner sense of safety. Let our presence with our children be a harbor of stability, not an echo of fear. And let us teach them, with love, that peace begins within, and that Allah is closer to them than any passing sound in the sky.

Life is a vast experience for learning. Its purpose is not for you to be perfect, but for you to learn from past mistakes so you do not repeat them. Do not hurt yourself because you made a mistake. You are human. You were not created to be perfect or angelic. You were created to learn. Shift your thinking from painful negativity to constructive positivity by reminding yourself: I have learned, and I will make sure not to repeat this mistake. I am human. I will grow and become stronger because I have learned. Life is full of experiences. And whenever your thoughts pull you back to the point of pain from the mistake, bring them back to this reminder: I am human, and I have learned and grown through my experiences, and I have become stronger. This helps your brain focus on what you want, not on what your thoughts want to drag you toward. If there is anything that requires repentance, then repent to Allah, and you will feel your servitude to Him and rise above your mistakes. Remember the saying of the Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him: "If you did not sin, Allah would replace you with people who would sin, then seek His forgiveness, and He would forgive them." Narrated by Muslim. It is natural to make mistakes because you are human. But if you do not accept that you are a human who errs, and you deny the mistake, or blame others, or allow the pain of being wrong to control you, you will neither learn nor grow. You will remain in a dark box. Free yourself.

A widespread and deeply rooted false belief in our societies prevents us from succeeding in raising our children and enjoying our relationship with them. It also stunts their emotional and cognitive growth. This belief is the way we deal with mistakes. For example, when I as a mother or father receive a note from school saying that my child forgets to do his homework, what is the typical reaction to this mistake? Disappointment? Scolding? Threats? Lecturing? What will the child learn from this? To hide his mistake? To hate himself? To feel discouraged or inferior? We can turn our children's mistakes into opportunities to teach them thinking skills, develop their intelligence, and build their self-confidence by teaching the skill of problem solving instead of resorting to scolding and discouragement. First Step Ask your child with confidence, good faith, and without intimidation: Why do you forget to do your homework? Think about what reasons make you forget. Then listen to him with respect and give him the chance to think and analyze the reasons, developing his thinking skills in the process. Accept that it is natural for a person to make mistakes, so he learns to reflect on himself and take responsibility for his mistake instead of hiding it or denying it, as many people in our societies do today. Second Step After listening to him, ask him to suggest solutions to the problem he is experiencing and to choose the ones that can actually be applied: What can you do to solve the problem of forgetting your homework? Third Step Follow up with him as he works on solving the problem and encourage his progress. Ask him: How are things going? How much progress have you made in solving the problem? Accept that he cannot suddenly complete all of his homework at once. Encourage any progress he makes, even if it means completing just one assignment in a week, while continuing to encourage him to come up with solutions, discuss causes and options with him, and help him reach a point where he remembers to complete his homework consistently. When we accept that partial progress leads to greater progress, and when we encourage effort rather than reserving appreciation only for the final result, our child will be motivated to keep moving forward and will not fear failure. He will then develop a Growth Mindset that embraces challenges and finds joy in achieving small daily successes, driving him to achieve more and more in life. Offering appreciation only when our child reaches the final result gives him an all-or-nothing mindset. This is one of the common Cognitive Distortions that leads to negativity, narrow thinking, and fear of taking initiative. In his mind, he is either successful or a failure, either completing all his homework or failing completely. How much do our children need to feel held and supported when they make mistakes, instead of having us stand against them and discourage them in the face of a difficult world that awaits them? How much do they need their skills to be nurtured instead of frozen through fear, discouragement, and blame? How much do they need encouragement to face challenges and grow through them, so they feel confident and take pleasure in growing, instead of feeling weak and inferior? And then we wonder why they do not take responsibility and why they are so negative.

It is common in our traditional parenting practices, unfortunately, that we expect our children to perform tasks that require building a skill and forming a habit, such as organizing their room or studying, simply by giving orders or resorting to rewards and punishments. This happens without any awareness of what a skill actually needs in order to form in the brain. For example, to train a child in the skill of organizing his room, we need to explain the steps and details of the task, then encourage him to carry it out under our supervision, making sure the tasks are age-appropriate. After that, we move to the stage of having him do it independently, with gentle reminders if he forgets, and without blame, so that we help the skill form in the brain and deepen its pathways until it becomes a habit. Many parents are unaware of how habits and skills are formed in the brain. They want their child to leap in a single jump from the stage of first learning about a task to the stage of consistent commitment, sometimes within a single day. This is impossible, because weak skill pathways in the brain make a person unaware of performing them and cause him to forget easily whenever something more enjoyable or more important to him comes to mind. Parents then turn to rewards and punishment and to negative discipline methods to bridge the wide gap between first knowledge and genuine skill. The child becomes discouraged, and the struggle, resistance, and misbehavior begin. What Is the Solution? Let us take the skill of studying as an example. One: Explain the steps of the task at the beginning and supervise your child afterward to ensure he has understood all parts and details. For example, explain to your child how to study and sit with him to make sure he is sitting, focusing, and following the steps correctly so he can acquire the skill of studying. You may eventually sit nearby once you see the skill developing, but in the beginning he needs your presence beside him to get used to sitting and focusing, which is genuinely difficult for a child at first. Two: Prepare the place and time for practicing the habit. This helps the brain master it until it becomes second nature. Set a clear rule, such as study time begins at four o'clock. Prepare a comfortable, appropriate, and distraction-free space, and sit with him there to bring comfort, warmth, and tranquility. Three: Remind with love. Remind your child with love and without tension if he is late starting his studying or becomes occupied with something else. Use brief words in a firm tone that neither frightens nor blames, such as: "Studying is a priority." How Much Time Will This Take? It depends on several factors and there is no fixed answer. Your child may acquire the skill within a month, or he may need your follow-up and encouragement for years. This is not a matter of intelligence but of the type of intelligence. A child with high bodily-kinesthetic or social intelligence will naturally need more time than a child with high introspective intelligence, who tends to enjoy sitting and focusing more. Remember that no one is smarter than another. Our differences are wisdom and beauty from Allah the All-Knowing and All-Wise, so that this world may flourish and each person may be guided toward what he was created for. The strength of your relationship with your child and his love for you also make it easier for him to build the positive habits you invite him toward. A strained relationship, on the other hand, causes children to resist both the parent and the virtuous actions he calls them toward, as a form of retaliation for poor treatment. When you follow up with your child and encourage him to build positive habits, you are laying within him the habits of excellence and success that he will need throughout his life. But when you scold, blame, or punish your child while unaware of how difficult it is for a habit to form in the brain, you raise a discouraged person who lacks Self-confidence, sees himself as unable to meet your expectations, loses the desire for growth and self-development, and feels helpless. Your treatment of your child, your patience with him, and your encouragement shape the features of his character and ignite his inner motivation to move forward. So be mindful of your reaction, and be gentle. The Messenger of Allah, peace be upon him, said: "Gentleness is not found in anything except that it beautifies it, and it is not removed from anything except that it disgraces it." Narrated by Muslim.

Losing Well-being means losing happiness and balance, feeling intense jealousy toward the success of others, experiencing rapid discouragement, being unable to build a peaceful marital relationship, being unable to form warm social relationships, struggling continuously at work, and suffering from depression, which is a psychological illness that grows more prevalent day after day. There is no doubt that families play the primary role in raising individuals who do or do not possess Well-being and Emotional Stability. And this unbalanced child may be the top of his class, or he may be at the bottom. A school grade is not a measure of Well-being, as some people believe. So what is the most widespread cause found in families that strive for distinguished parenting, who believe they are doing something good for their children, while this very method leads to the loss of Well-being and exposes children to real suffering in the future, with most parents completely unaware of the mistake? What Is This Harmful Method? In this article I will discuss an approach that many fathers and mothers follow, believing it will lead to distinguished parenting, while in reality it destroys their children's Well-being and Self-esteem. It is the approach of trying to improve behavior through exaggerated praise and harsh negative criticism for mistakes. Exposing a child to harsh negative criticism when he makes a mistake, whether through direct words or a cutting look, and praising him excessively when he performs a desirable behavior, believing this will shape him into what we want, is one of the primary reasons our children lose their balance and Well-being, as studies indicate. It may even lead to personality disorders that do not appear until after the age of eighteen. Unfortunately, this approach of harsh criticism and exaggerated praise is widespread in many families. It makes a person captive to the approval of others, intensely sensitive to the success of those around him, and quickly discouraged when he makes a mistake. What Is the Alternative? First: Separate the behavior from the person. Do not say "You are selfish." Say instead "This behavior shows selfishness." Second: Praise the effort and intention, not only the outcome. If he made a sincere effort but did not succeed, say "I liked your attempt and how seriously you approached it." Third: Teach him how to evaluate his own behavior rather than waiting for your constant approval. For example, ask him "What do you think of what you did?" With this approach, we build within him a living conscience capable of self-evaluation. We free him from unhealthy dependence on the approval of others, and we make his Self-confidence come from within, not from applause or humiliation. Well-being is not built with words. It is built through the daily way we treat our children.

“Prove yourself” is a phrase that spreads widely in our communities. The intention behind it is to encourage a person to put in effort and show that he is capable and distinguished. Let us explore this phrase a little to see whether it gives us strength or weakness, and whether we should benefit from it or reject it. A person shines and becomes creative when his motivation for work comes from within. Only then can he overcome the obstacles and discouragement that everyone inevitably faces in their work and in their life. How do we know if our motivation is internal or external? Internal motivation is the inner desire of a person to carry out work because he believes in it, loves it, and wants to improve through it. He wants to perform it in the best way to reach personal fulfillment. This is the internal motivation of the ordinary person. As for the believer, he adds to that the desire to seek the pleasure of his Lord and to find this work recorded in his scale of good deeds on the Day of Judgment. External motivation is the desire to perform work driven by external rewards. This desire grows with material rewards or people’s approval and decreases when these rewards or approval fade. External motivation is temporary and depends on how often the external incentive appears. It disappears when the incentive stops. What happens when you work to prove yourself? A person who adopts this idea believes that gaining praise, approval, trust, and status depends on what he does now and what he says about himself. This belief is mistaken. A person may gain some approval when he does something good at the moment, but this does not prove that he is truly worthy of trust or status. To deserve trust, a person must pass through a period of time in which he demonstrates patience in work, flexibility, positivity in difficult situations, the ability to overcome discouragement, acceptance of constructive criticism, and dedication in his work regardless of external rewards. This does not happen overnight. It requires time for these psychological skills to appear, the skills that lead to creative and excellent work and that lead to deserving trust. The person who possesses these skills does not work to gain trust but works sincerely. He is happy with the contentment of his supervisors because he feels that he fulfilled the trust. The mindset of “prove yourself”: When you work to prove yourself, you will not tolerate the criticism or guidance of your supervisors, because you will think it means you are not competent. Yet competence grows and declines; it is not a fixed standard. Refusing criticism keeps us limited and prevents us from growing and flourishing. But when you work to please Allah and you are sincere in your work, you will accept criticism with positivity and work on developing yourself. Then you move forward, fulfilling the trust and becoming deserving of confidence. When you work to prove yourself, you will hide your mistakes, justify them, and avoid admitting them. This makes you smaller in the eyes of others and in the eyes of your supervisors. But when you work sincerely for Allah, feeling the responsibility of trust, you will make sure to learn from your mistakes and correct them because Allah sees your work. When you work to prove yourself, you will be afraid when difficulties arise, because you want to show excellence and perfection. No one must discover a weakness in you. Fear prevents focus and prevents creative solutions, causing you to fail in facing difficulties and discouragement. You will then resort to excuses or blaming others, and your work will decline. When you work to prove yourself, you will feel jealous when others excel. You will think they are better than you, meaning they proved themselves and deprived you of the opportunity. This fills your thoughts with worry about them and fills your emotions with bitterness and frustration. Your insight dims, your inner self becomes clouded, and you lose the deep focus on your own work. Negative emotions extinguish clarity and concentration, causing you to fall behind while others move forward. “O human being, you are striving toward your Lord with great effort, and you will meet Him.” The mindset of “prove yourself” creates people with a fixed mindset. This mindset believes that intelligence, talent, and abilities are fixed since birth and do not change. Its standard of success is people’s praise. Its motivation is external, tied to material rewards and people’s approval. Sincerity in work, however, creates people with a growth mindset. This mindset believes that intelligence, talent, and abilities grow through effort, practice, and asking others for help. Its standard of success is learning and growth. Its motivation is internal, tied to the enjoyment of learning, personal development, and creativity. The trend of “prove yourself” produces individuals with weak sincerity, little patience, and fragile inner structure. They are always looking for excuses, blaming circumstances and others. Meanwhile, others advance far ahead while they remain limited and will continue to be limited. They will never truly prove themselves as long as they hold this mindset.

Spontaneity is the absence of pretension and artificiality that come from wanting to gain people’s approval. Spontaneity means that I behave naturally, accepting myself and accepting others as well. Spontaneity comes from appreciating the value of our uniqueness and recognizing that we do not need to become copies of others in order to feel belonging. Spontaneity is positivity, flow, and freedom from the fear of rejection or criticism, and freedom from the constant focus on how people see us. Spontaneity is when my outward appearance matches my inner self. Spontaneity means having a heart open to love, embracing life with a spirit of acceptance and contentment. Spontaneity is having the heart of a child and the mind of an adult. Spontaneity is comfort for the heart. We feel happy with people around whom we can be ourselves and act naturally, and the opposite is also true. Spontaneity means being at peace with oneself and behaving without the constraints of tension, but within the boundaries of wisdom and seeking the pleasure of Allah. Spontaneity does not mean losing wisdom when speaking or acting, nor losing courtesy or respect. When I speak spontaneously, I remain aware of the wisdom behind my words: Is what I am saying beneficial? Is it comfortable for the person listening to me? Am I seeking the pleasure of Allah through it? People feel comfortable with spontaneity and sense it deeply, and they are repelled by pretension and can sense it, even if they do not express it. Spontaneity is an attractive quality in a woman, contrary to what some women believe, causing them to pretend and exhaust themselves with no benefit. Spontaneity is one of the secrets of influence and one of the secrets of a successful marital relationship. Spontaneity draws a child toward a woman and helps in raising a child with a confident character. The more self-esteem declines, the more a person becomes pretentious, strained, and perhaps even dishonest. And the more a person’s self-esteem rises, the more spontaneous and natural he becomes, because he loves himself and does not wait for others to love him through their approval or opinions. A negative environment kills spontaneity, while spontaneity grows in a positive environment filled with appreciation and goodwill.

When one of our children takes initiative and expresses an opinion, or asks for permission to go somewhere, or enroll in a course, or buy something for a particular purpose, or wishes to have a pet, and we tell him “no” and make him feel guilty for asking, we close the windows of life before him. Dr. Daniel Siegel says in his book The Yes Brain: “The word ‘yes’ is more than just a word. It is an expression of our very being with our children and of the way we communicate. It is the gateway to positivity, optimism, curiosity, courage, flexibility, and personal growth for our children.” There are many positive actions and expressions that our children display which we must pay attention to and respond with “yes.” There is a wide space in the life of our son or daughter where we can agree with them without crushing their spirit. We can agree with them on many choices that cause them no harm when we say “yes,” including many permissible things, or even sometimes disliked things they lean toward or choose. If you are not convinced by their request, avoid saying “no” immediately. Engage them in gentle dialogue so they can express their needs and thoughts. If you want to refuse, refuse gently while conversing with them to convince them. Let your refusal be the exception among the many times they hear the word “yes” in their life with you. “Yes, I agree with you,” said with a smile, encourages them to discover the world and discover themselves, nurturing their growth and personal brilliance. Remember that oppression and suppression are the two main causes behind all negative behavior. Suppression teaches our son or daughter to rebel against us and lose the ability to distinguish between rebelling against what is wrong and rebelling against what is right, including rebelling against our religious, cultural, and moral system. Then we wonder why our son refuses to listen to us, or why our daughter does not want to wear the hijab, and why, and why. We should not say “no” simply because we heard it repeatedly from our own parents, or because we imagine that saying it gives us value in their eyes. Be mindful of your reaction, for the price of unawareness will be high. Follow along and share with us: How many times did you say “yes” today? And how many times did you say “no”? Toward a positive character. Written by A. Maha Shehadeh